I don’t have cable.
When I decided to resign from my teaching position, we trimmed the extras. We had to weigh our priorities. Internet won. Cable lost. We traded the hundred dollar a month cable bill for twenty bucks a month for Netflix. I have yet to be sorry. But that also means I don’t get to watch a lot of shows most others do.
Today, as I’m sitting in the hotel, I flipped on the TV. I just happened to stop at the Dr. Oz show. I have never watched his show or his appearances on Oprah. So I had absolutely no idea what to expect.
I have to be honest. I struggle with weight issues and have all my life. I don’ t expect that struggle to ever end. I am currently trying to slowly make lifestyle changes in the hope that I will gradually lose some weight and gain healthier eating habits. I’ve tried to cut most sugar from my diet (most days) and I’m working on portion control.
When I saw this episode was about dieting, I thought I would check out what the Doc had to say. Maybe I would pick up some good tips.
This is what I learned:
- Taking a bath in seaweed helps reduce the visibility of cellulite. I believe he said 5 sheets of seaweed in your bath once a week. Well, that brings to mind a question or two…..Exactly where am I supposed to find sheets of seaweed? Really, do you expect me to spend my money on seaweed just so you can’t see my cellulite as well? Of course, if you are covered in seaweed it only makes sense that people won’t see your cellulite. This man is b.r.i.l.l.i.a.n.t!
- Taking a bath in beer once a week reduces acne. Which causes me to wonder if I should submerge my face and neck under water. After all, that’s where I have acne issues…..along with most of the population. If so, how long do I need to stay under the beer water to get the desired effect? I think I have a snorkel mask somewhere…..guess I could use that to get air for breathing. But, hey, it will be worth it if it gives me one less zit.
- Substituting pickles for potato chips or French fries one time a week will save tons of calories. If you continue this for one year, you should lose three pounds. And it only takes a whole year! Yay! But, what about the water weight gain from eating pickles? They make me swell up like a balloon. Surely the three pounds you finally lost by the end of the year isn’t the water gain you get from eating the stinking pickles in the first place….right??
- Gotta big butt? You need a low-fat diet. Although butt and hip fat are the least likely of the evil fats to cause heart attacks. Is that saying not to worry about my big butt? By the way, the best way to fight a big butt is by doing curtsies. True story.
- Gotta big belly and a fat back? You need a low carb diet. That means no sugar, no breads, no grains. What joy fills my soul to hear those not-so-sweet words. This fat is also harder to lose and more dangerous for your health to carry around. You also need metabolic resistance training to drop the jelly belly. But hey, knowing how hard it is to lose and that I have to give up anything good to eat gives me real hope and encouragement to tackle the jelly belly. Thanks.
- What about those of us who have issues with ALL of the above? No worries, Dr. Oz gives you tips on faking it. Just dress to hide the shame and it will all be alright. If you’re not sure how to do that, check out his webpage.
Me? I’m not a quitter. So, I guess I’ll learn to like pickles, dig out that snorkel mask, make a trip to the beach (to stock up on seaweed),…..and hit the stores. I mean…… really, I never thought about hiding the fat! That’s genius! I wonder if I can find clothes in the plus size department that will hide it well enough for me to finally get that bikini? Stay posted. I’ll try to post pics. Until then, I’m off to the mall.
- Fat Chick on a Diet….What was I thinking?? (helpfortheheart.wordpress.com)