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Time to Shop! Thanks, Dr. Oz!


I don’t have cable.

When I decided to resign from my teaching position, we trimmed the extras.  We had to weigh our priorities.  Internet won.  Cable lost.  We traded the hundred dollar a month cable bill for twenty bucks a month for Netflix.  I have yet to be sorry.  But that also means I don’t get to watch a lot of shows most others do.

Today, as I’m sitting in the hotel, I flipped on the TV.  I just happened to stop at the Dr. Oz show.  I have never watched his show or his appearances on Oprah.  So I had absolutely no idea what to expect.

I have to be honest.  I struggle with weight issues and have all my life.  I don’ t expect that struggle to ever end.  I am currently trying to slowly make lifestyle changes in the hope that I will gradually lose some weight and gain healthier eating habits.  I’ve tried to cut most sugar from my diet (most days) and I’m working on portion control.

When I saw this episode was about dieting, I thought I would check out what the Doc had to say.  Maybe I would pick up some good tips.

This is what I learned:

  • Taking a bath in seaweed helps reduce the visibility of cellulite.  I believe he said 5 sheets of seaweed in your bath once a week.    Well, that brings to mind a question or two…..Exactly where am I supposed to find sheets of seaweed?  Really, do you expect me to spend my money on seaweed just so you can’t see my cellulite as well?  Of course, if you are covered in seaweed it only makes sense that people won’t see your cellulite.  This man is b.r.i.l.l.i.a.n.t!

  • Taking a bath in beer once a week reduces acne.  Which causes me to wonder if I should submerge my face and neck under water.  After all, that’s where I have acne issues…..along with most of the population.  If so, how long do I need to stay under the beer water to get the desired effect?  I think I have a snorkel mask somewhere…..guess I could use that to get air for breathing.  But, hey, it will be worth it if it gives me one less zit.

 

  • Substituting pickles for potato chips or French fries one time a week will save tons of calories.  If you continue this for one year, you should lose three pounds.  And it only takes a whole year!  Yay!  But, what about the water weight gain from eating pickles?  They make me swell up like a balloon.   Surely the three pounds you finally lost by the end of the year isn’t the water gain you get from eating the stinking pickles in the first place….right??

I'm sure this tastes mucho better than potato chips or FF anyway. Pshhh....

 

  • Gotta big butt?  You need a low-fat diet.  Although butt and hip fat are the least likely of the evil fats to cause heart attacks.  Is that saying not to worry about my big butt?  By the way, the best way to fight a big butt is by doing curtsies.  True story.

 

  • Gotta big belly and a fat back?  You need a low carb diet.  That means no sugar, no breads, no grains.  What joy fills my soul to hear those not-so-sweet words.  This fat is also harder to lose and more dangerous for your health to carry around. You also need metabolic resistance training to drop the jelly belly.  But hey, knowing how hard it is to lose and that I have to give up anything good to eat gives me real hope and encouragement to tackle the jelly belly.  Thanks.

 

  • What about those of us who have issues with ALL of the above?  No worries, Dr. Oz gives you tips on faking it.  Just dress to hide the shame and it will all be alright.  If you’re not sure how to do that, check out his webpage.

Me?  I’m not a quitter.  So, I guess I’ll learn to like pickles, dig out that snorkel mask, make a trip to the beach (to stock up on seaweed),…..and hit the stores.  I mean…… really, I never thought about hiding the fat!   That’s genius!  I wonder if I can find clothes in the plus size department that will hide it well enough for me to finally get that bikini?  Stay posted.  I’ll try to post pics.  Until then, I’m off to the mall.

 

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Posted by on October 27, 2011 in It's my life.....

 

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Fat Chick on a Diet….What was I thinking??


 

 

It’s HEEEEERRRRREEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s weigh-in day.

Fit for Life.  What idiot came up with that name?  Oh, wait.  That was me.

I was the idiot who got me wrangled into this mess.  And although, I DO want to get healthy and lose some excess baggage, I LOVE to eat.  So, long story, somewhat shorter…..I started a group in my town (I live in the STIX, so none such group existed before)…..

Healthy living…which will hopefully lead to weight loss….with a weigh in each week.  In front of the pastor’s wife.  Who is a size 6.  YIKES.

So, here I am, week one coming to a screeching halt….. and I am hit with the reality of weighing in tonight.

Suddenly, I panic.  What can I do?

I started out the week fairly strong.  I have given up sugar…..and had almost NO candy this week.  That’s progress.

But will the scale show it?  Will I cringe in humiliation and shame when I climb on that monster that seems to only exist to make my life a living hell?

I believe I have lost a couple of pounds, but we weigh in the evenings, which means I will weigh more….

My clothes…. they will add even more weight to the already heavy picture.  After all, I can’t go naked.   Can I?  Hmmm….no, wait.

Focus.

I make a bee line to my room and begin to pilfer through my clothes.  I’m on a mission.

I begin to weigh things…one item in one hand and one in the other, desperately looking for the right ‘lightweight’ combination.  I find my flimsiest bra.  All that under wire is heavy and this one has none.   The sweat begins to pour.   My heart races.  Ideas begin to flow…. FLOSS…really well…plaque has to weigh something….no makeup….shave your legs….no hair product….

That’s when my baby boy walks in and chuckles, “Mom you’re gonna lose weight just trying to find clothes to wear!  If you don’t do good, just start fresh next week.”

That one comment turned it all around for me.  I was shaken to reality.  A ten year old has more common sense about him than I do.

How much can all this scrambling save me….a few ounces?

I calmed myself down, showered, and prepared to go face the music.  Pay the piper.  I can avoid it no longer.

Gained, lost, or hold my own….

I’m gonna hold my head up high, stand up straight, shoulders back, eyes on the scale…..with extra clean teeth, freshly shaved legs, and my flimsiest of bras.  After all, I may be over my moment of insanity, but this fat chick is not completely stupid.

Wish me luck…..

 
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Posted by on October 11, 2011 in It's my life.....

 

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Stone Cold Crybaby


 

Emotions.  They are not my friend.  I care nothing for them.  They make life messy and, well, emotional.

No thank you.  I don’t care to ride a roller coaster of emotions.  I am in control.  In charge.  A real woman!

I’m just not a girly girl.  Never have been and never will be.   When I was little, I would rather play with Hot  Wheels and dig in the dirt than play with baby dolls and dress up Barbie.  I liked frilly things, but quickly became bored with things girls were enamored with.  And drama?  What was the point?  I just never really got it.  All that fighting and pining over boys.  Yes, I had crushes and boyfriends.  I was ‘in love’…but you wouldn’t find me in the middle of any sissy girl drama.  I was too tough for that.

Even today, I don’t dabble in emotional ‘stuff’.  Ick.

Just the thought makes my skin crawl.

I assure you that when I feel the need to cry, I will be behind the privacy of my own closed doors and preferrably alone.  I adore my personal space and it’s a larger area than most.  Hugs…I can do without them.  Well, except from my kids.  Kids are ALWAYS the exception.   I’m just not a touchy feely kinda gal.

That would require me to be in touch with my feminine side.  Double Ick.

So today, when I left town with my youth group to go see the new movie, Courageous, I was on gaurd.  I had heard that this movie was a real tearjerker.  As we sat eating pizza before the movie, one of the chaperones with us told me I better make a pit stop and get a box of tissues because I was gonna need em.

Humph.

She doesn’t know me well, I thought.  I informed her real quick of my emotional hardness.  Tears would not be flowing from my eyes tonight.  It just wouldn’t happen.  I hate movies that attempt to turn on my emotional water works and was an expert at avoiding tears.  Nope, I wouldn’t even come close to losing it tonight.  Especially in the company of 40 people.   She persisted, so I finally threw a handful of napkins into my purse…and quickly changed the subject.

At the theater, I settled in……away from other adults who might make me feel awkward when they start slobbering and bawling.  I got cozy; the movie began.  Finally, the first sad scene comes….and I think to myself…..really?  This is it?  Hahahaahaa….. no way this is getting me.

But then, the second sad scene begins….and eyes start to water.  Before I know it the tears are pouring, the nose is running, and I almost fall into full sniveling mode.  I quietly try to find those napkins I tossed into my purse earlier, only to hear a voice call my name.  It’s one of my youth kids.

“Mrs. Wright, Are you CRYING??”

Great.  Now the whole theater knows.

You would think a tough cookie like me would suck it up, dry it up, and pull it back together.  But not with this movie.  Some of the kids felt sorry for me and ran to the bathroom and came back with half a roll of paper towel.

I’ve decided the producers of this movie are getting royalties off of Kleenex sales.

Finally, I just gave up and bawled my eyes out.  I mean full blown, mascara running, out of napkins, wipe the snot on your arm to keep it from dripping on your shirt, CRYING.  It was an emotional roller coaster from hell with no end in sight.

I now feel emotionally spent and am not sure I will ever be the same.  I CRIED over a stinking movie.  I went from a tough, in charge woman…..to a bumbling, weepy mess.  I wasn’t just in touch with my emotions, my emotions owned me.

I worry if I will ever be able to go back to being that woman who remains stone cold and in control amidst the saddest, most touching of all stories.  I just don’t know.  It’s like something in me was turned on, cut loose.  I’m emotionally drained.

I would stay up pondering and even worrying over this new, more vulnerable  Robin……but in the famous words of the ultimate drama queen, Scarlett O’Hare, ” I can’t think about that right now. If I do, I’ll go crazy. I’ll think about that tomorrow.”

In fact, I have a nagging desire to turn on “The Notebook” and have another weep fest.

Now, pass me a tissue…..or the whole box.

 

 

 

 
3 Comments

Posted by on October 8, 2011 in It's my life.....

 

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