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Time to Shop! Thanks, Dr. Oz!


I don’t have cable.

When I decided to resign from my teaching position, we trimmed the extras.  We had to weigh our priorities.  Internet won.  Cable lost.  We traded the hundred dollar a month cable bill for twenty bucks a month for Netflix.  I have yet to be sorry.  But that also means I don’t get to watch a lot of shows most others do.

Today, as I’m sitting in the hotel, I flipped on the TV.  I just happened to stop at the Dr. Oz show.  I have never watched his show or his appearances on Oprah.  So I had absolutely no idea what to expect.

I have to be honest.  I struggle with weight issues and have all my life.  I don’ t expect that struggle to ever end.  I am currently trying to slowly make lifestyle changes in the hope that I will gradually lose some weight and gain healthier eating habits.  I’ve tried to cut most sugar from my diet (most days) and I’m working on portion control.

When I saw this episode was about dieting, I thought I would check out what the Doc had to say.  Maybe I would pick up some good tips.

This is what I learned:

  • Taking a bath in seaweed helps reduce the visibility of cellulite.  I believe he said 5 sheets of seaweed in your bath once a week.    Well, that brings to mind a question or two…..Exactly where am I supposed to find sheets of seaweed?  Really, do you expect me to spend my money on seaweed just so you can’t see my cellulite as well?  Of course, if you are covered in seaweed it only makes sense that people won’t see your cellulite.  This man is b.r.i.l.l.i.a.n.t!

  • Taking a bath in beer once a week reduces acne.  Which causes me to wonder if I should submerge my face and neck under water.  After all, that’s where I have acne issues…..along with most of the population.  If so, how long do I need to stay under the beer water to get the desired effect?  I think I have a snorkel mask somewhere…..guess I could use that to get air for breathing.  But, hey, it will be worth it if it gives me one less zit.

 

  • Substituting pickles for potato chips or French fries one time a week will save tons of calories.  If you continue this for one year, you should lose three pounds.  And it only takes a whole year!  Yay!  But, what about the water weight gain from eating pickles?  They make me swell up like a balloon.   Surely the three pounds you finally lost by the end of the year isn’t the water gain you get from eating the stinking pickles in the first place….right??

I'm sure this tastes mucho better than potato chips or FF anyway. Pshhh....

 

  • Gotta big butt?  You need a low-fat diet.  Although butt and hip fat are the least likely of the evil fats to cause heart attacks.  Is that saying not to worry about my big butt?  By the way, the best way to fight a big butt is by doing curtsies.  True story.

 

  • Gotta big belly and a fat back?  You need a low carb diet.  That means no sugar, no breads, no grains.  What joy fills my soul to hear those not-so-sweet words.  This fat is also harder to lose and more dangerous for your health to carry around. You also need metabolic resistance training to drop the jelly belly.  But hey, knowing how hard it is to lose and that I have to give up anything good to eat gives me real hope and encouragement to tackle the jelly belly.  Thanks.

 

  • What about those of us who have issues with ALL of the above?  No worries, Dr. Oz gives you tips on faking it.  Just dress to hide the shame and it will all be alright.  If you’re not sure how to do that, check out his webpage.

Me?  I’m not a quitter.  So, I guess I’ll learn to like pickles, dig out that snorkel mask, make a trip to the beach (to stock up on seaweed),…..and hit the stores.  I mean…… really, I never thought about hiding the fat!   That’s genius!  I wonder if I can find clothes in the plus size department that will hide it well enough for me to finally get that bikini?  Stay posted.  I’ll try to post pics.  Until then, I’m off to the mall.

 

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Posted by on October 27, 2011 in It's my life.....

 

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Fat Chick on a Diet….What was I thinking??


 

 

It’s HEEEEERRRRREEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s weigh-in day.

Fit for Life.  What idiot came up with that name?  Oh, wait.  That was me.

I was the idiot who got me wrangled into this mess.  And although, I DO want to get healthy and lose some excess baggage, I LOVE to eat.  So, long story, somewhat shorter…..I started a group in my town (I live in the STIX, so none such group existed before)…..

Healthy living…which will hopefully lead to weight loss….with a weigh in each week.  In front of the pastor’s wife.  Who is a size 6.  YIKES.

So, here I am, week one coming to a screeching halt….. and I am hit with the reality of weighing in tonight.

Suddenly, I panic.  What can I do?

I started out the week fairly strong.  I have given up sugar…..and had almost NO candy this week.  That’s progress.

But will the scale show it?  Will I cringe in humiliation and shame when I climb on that monster that seems to only exist to make my life a living hell?

I believe I have lost a couple of pounds, but we weigh in the evenings, which means I will weigh more….

My clothes…. they will add even more weight to the already heavy picture.  After all, I can’t go naked.   Can I?  Hmmm….no, wait.

Focus.

I make a bee line to my room and begin to pilfer through my clothes.  I’m on a mission.

I begin to weigh things…one item in one hand and one in the other, desperately looking for the right ‘lightweight’ combination.  I find my flimsiest bra.  All that under wire is heavy and this one has none.   The sweat begins to pour.   My heart races.  Ideas begin to flow…. FLOSS…really well…plaque has to weigh something….no makeup….shave your legs….no hair product….

That’s when my baby boy walks in and chuckles, “Mom you’re gonna lose weight just trying to find clothes to wear!  If you don’t do good, just start fresh next week.”

That one comment turned it all around for me.  I was shaken to reality.  A ten year old has more common sense about him than I do.

How much can all this scrambling save me….a few ounces?

I calmed myself down, showered, and prepared to go face the music.  Pay the piper.  I can avoid it no longer.

Gained, lost, or hold my own….

I’m gonna hold my head up high, stand up straight, shoulders back, eyes on the scale…..with extra clean teeth, freshly shaved legs, and my flimsiest of bras.  After all, I may be over my moment of insanity, but this fat chick is not completely stupid.

Wish me luck…..

 
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Posted by on October 11, 2011 in It's my life.....

 

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Fat Chick on a Diet


Healthy eating.  Lifestyle change.  Cutting down.

Whatever.

I call it a D I E T!

I’m a fat chick.  I have pretty well embraced that about myself.  But then a reality TV show changed my opinion.  Watching these really big folks try to lose…literally hundreds of pounds….I decided I might better take this fat issue a little more seriously.

Being the spur of the moment kinda gal I am…..on an impulse…….I posted on Facebook inquiring about interest in starting a weight loss support group in our town.  Yep.  My head says that is a smart move.  My drive to eat whatever I want is mocking me and calling me a big ole  IGNORAMUS!!   That one moment of weakness, one little post in a time of recklessness,  has turned into me leading up a support group in our town.  That means a firm commitment to get this weight off, exercise regularly,  AND I weighed in front of one of my dearest friends.

So, here I sit…eating a bowl of spinach, 1/2 a serving of  Special K cracker chips,  and a glass of water with a teaspoon of Splenda ……and I’m seriously considering gnawing off my right arm.  I know, that might be a little dramatic, but crankiness set in a while ago.  My head hurts, my tummy is growling, and the food addict in me tells me this is just too hard.

It’s time to grow up.

Get a grip.

No turning back now.

This is where the rubber meets the road……

it’s do or die…..

take no prisoners……

Well, unless, they have snacks.

Ok, ok….no prisoners.

 

 

 

 

 
4 Comments

Posted by on October 5, 2011 in It's my life.....

 

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