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All I Want for Christmas….


 

The Christmas Season is here.  That brings on the perpetual wish lists.  Since I have five kids, this could bring on a tad bit of stress.  All these lists.  So many wishes, so little money.  I have tried to teach my kids to prioritize and realize I actually do NOT have a money tree in the backyard.  Be conservative.

Apparently, they’ve been listening pretty well. Yea, right.

For example, the baby boy……he has trouble thinking of something he wants.  A new football.  A new football jersey or three.  A remote control car.  A snare drum.  That will do it.  Of course, as time goes on, he thinks of other random things he wants, too.  But he doesn’t add them to the official list.  It’s on the Santa list.  Cause that won’t cost mom money.  Humph.

English: A snare drum. Español: una caja orque...

Image via Wikipedia

Then there is the next kiddo in line…. He realizes he needs to be conservative, but he has a massive list.  You know just in case Santa is actually real.  In that case, mom’s lack of a money tree shouldn’t matter and the sky is the limit.  Smart kid right there.  I’m just not sure exactly how to go about bursting that bubble of optimism. His list includes…. a REAL piano, interactive Toy Story toys (that range from $45-60 EACH).  He only wants the Lotso Bear, Rex, Bullseye (one of the most rare), and Hamm.  Then there is a list of CDs, Comic Books, and even a few movies thrown in.  As I had my head hanging between my knees trying to come out of my state of hyperventilating, he says, “Mom, I don’t want to be any trouble.  So, take the piano off my list.  I can practice at Grandma’s.  I can do without it.”  The piano was his number one request.   Most desired.  Hmmm…..either he’s brilliant and securing the score by making me think he is willing to sacrifice, or he really IS learning.  Either way.  The piano is his.  Geeeezzzz……

Next comes the real piece of work…..Cam.  He is the classic middle child.  He keeps our life interesting.  When I don’t need to pull my hair out from his antics, I am completely entertained.  But his Christmas list simply sends me into a state of panic.  I only need to win the lotto to even come close.

“I’ve been listening, Mom.  I don’t actually expect you to get me all of these things.  I just want you to have plenty of ideas and if you happen to hit really good sales, you will have plenty to choose from.  And then Santa can pick up some of what’s left.  It’s the dream list, mom.  The ultimate.  I know I’m not gonna get it all.  You always tell me you get more when you expect more.  High expectations yield high results.”

Ouch.  Gotta love it when your own words come back to bite you in the you know what.

So, his list…..it’s color coded.  Each color represents the amount of gotta have it.  For example, items in red = can’t live without; items in green = really, really want;  items in black = take it or leave it, but I really want to take it. His list is three hand-written pages.  Seriously.  For real.

Thanks, Cam.  Now, when I get only a fraction of your list, I can feel like a big fat Santa failure.  But hey, you don’t actually expect to get it all, right?????

By the time I finished recovering from the presenting of these lists, I decided the two oldest boys were grown.  They are 19 and 20.  Out of the house.  In college.  Santa was over for them.  They better choose and choose wisely.  I wanted a list, but a small one.  Of course, that went over like a lead balloon. I believe the requests were a new car, pay for my housing for spring semester, and cash, cash, and more cash.  Oh and lots of little presents.

I literally looked at them and wondered who had taken over their bodies.  Where were the children I raised??

But that’s when it happened.  I’m not sure if it was a ploy to remind me of the fact that I would want goodies for Christmas, or a sincere request, but they asked me what I wanted for Christmas.  They even asked for a list.  Woohoo!!!!!!!  Paybacks can be sweet!!!!

I couldn’t help myself.  I needed a good laugh.  So, I made the little turkeys a list.  Bahahahahaaaa…… And it looks something like this…

All I want for Christmas is………..

♥  A new Kitchen-Aid mixer.  If you really shop the sales, you can find one for a little over $200.

♥ An iPad.  Any kind acceptable.

♥ The new iPhone 4S.  They are sooooo cool!

♥ Because I don’t want to overload you TOO much, that’s all.  Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.  I can’t wait!!! 

The look on their little faces was priceless.  They quickly informed me, ,”We don’t have that kind of money.   There is NO way, we can afford any of those things….. even if we pool together.  You know this!”

I quickly explained I knew EXACTLY how they felt.

And there it was.  Lesson learned.  They began dropping things off their lists like crazy.  They narrowed their lists down to what they really want.  They are even shopping thrift stores for gifts for each other and making some homemade gifts.  They are paying attention to prices.

Score one for Mom!

Now, I just need to take up donations.  After all, Santa COULD bring me all of the things on MY list!  😉

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Posted by on November 30, 2011 in It's my life.....

 

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Psycho-Mom Strikes Again


I was out of town last week on an overnight trip.  Just a day.  Yet, when I walked in the door, the house smelled of this awful stench.  I’m talking cat pee + dirty feet + dog poopy + sour clothes + mildew stench.  As I opened the front door, I almost lost my breath.  It was sickening.  Disgusting.  Gross.  Turn your stomach.  Nasty.

Not only did I walk into a fumigated house, but I also walked into a kitchen piled high with        dirty dishes.  I’m not even sure there were any clean dishes left.  The floor was there somewhere……..under all the clutter.  Every bed sheet appeared to be strewn through the living room floor.  I think they were having a little camp-out.  Right there in the living room.

That day, I found out just how quickly I can cross over.  You know, to that other personality.  That insane, psycho mom who opens her mouth only to have a few other heads dart from her throat….all with sharp tongues of steel.  I just know if someone had taken a picture of me at that very moment, I would have steam flowing from every body cavity I have.  Maybe even fire coming from my mouth.

No explanations were necessary.  I knew  EXACTLY what had taken place here.  While the kiddies were having their play party, they neglected to take Bernie out.  On top of that, Bernie had determined to throw himself one royal puppy fit.  He had marked his territory all over my area rugs. I couldn’t see it, but it had to be there.  What else could cause such a nasty smell?

The stench was so bad, it gave me a headache.  I immediately started ripping up carpets, bleaching floors underneath.  Bleaching everything. Cleaning the carpets.  All to no avail.

This is me.  Only I’m older.  And more wrinkled.   And waaay more ticked off!

But the stench remained.  I was furious.  Humans nor animals were safe in my presence.  I was a mad hatter and ready to attack.

This went on for a couple of days.  Our schedules were so incredibly busy, I didn’t have time to just totally spring clean, so I did my best by holding my breath as much as I could.  I felt like the stench was seeping into the pores of my skin.

Finally, on day three, I could take no more.  I began, once again, tearing the house apart.  I left no floor untouched.  I completely removed the area rugs.  Still pewtred stench hovered in the house.

I refused to pet the puppy.  He was banished from the couch.  I gave the kids double chores.  Trying my best to make the little turkeys learn a lesson and never forget to watch the dog again.

I was standing in the kitchen, talking to my hubby, when I kept getting a strong whiff of odor.  I turned around.  There was nothing there but the vacuum cleaner filter.  It couldn’t be.  Could it??

I have one of those bagless vacuums.  Mine has a removable filter, as well as a built in filter.  Before leaving for Houston, I washed out both, and put them in the drainer to dry.  I have always cleaned the removable filter, but the built in, only the one time.  It had gotten so nasty, something had to be done.  So I tried washing it with soap and water.

BIG MISTAKE.

I picked up the vacuum canister and as it got closer to my nose, I almost hurled.  The culprit had been found.  I threw the canister out the back door.  Grabbed a can of Febreeze, and went to work.  Within minutes, literally, the obnoxious odor was gone.  As if it were never there.

As much as I wanted to sing and dance, jump for joy, pet my dog, and hug my kids, I couldn’t.  The guilt hung in the air like the densest of smoke.  The looks on their faces were priceless.  The only saving grace, was they still neglected their chores in my absence and  made a huge mess of the house.  I wasn’t off the hook, but neither were they.  Apologies were made.

We decided to call a truce.  Bernie was pulled back into the fold.  I’m sure I’ve utterly confused him.  He is now, as I type laying on the couch.

Psycho mom, and her extra heads, have left the building.

For now.

 

 

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Posted by on October 31, 2011 in It's my life.....

 

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Psycho Mom…Coming Soon!


It’s been a while.  It has.  Things have gone pretty smoothly for the past several weeks.

The kids have been operating at their usual level of driving me bonkers.  I’m only halfway crazy.  And I can function like that.

But this morning is different.  I think my children have been invaded by evil monsters.  There names are Why?, What for?, and Do I have to?  They can be described as whining, complaining, grumpy, out of sorts, and just plain ornery.  The fight is on.  They want to fight over anything and everything and nothing…..all at the same time.

Stop looking at me!

Stop bossing me!

Your tone is rude! (Yep, they have been listening to me and they are now using it to torture me.)

Stop shaking the table!

You can’t go in there to do your school work!

I just want to SCREAM………………Why not?  You hate each other at the moment.  Why, on God’s green earth would you want him to STAY here by YOU???????

That’s when it hits me.  Smack in the face.  Like a Mac truck.  They have ganged up on me.  The insane are trying to take over the asylum.  They are on a mission to put me in the rubber room.  Completely crazy.  And it’s working.

plotting his take-over

It makes sense really.  They think if they can conquer me, they can run the roost.  Have free reign.

But I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck yesterday.  I’m on to them.  I know what they’re up to.

Sometimes, they just need a gentle reminder of my alter ego.  Bahahahaaa…..

They have forgotten who they are dealing with.

So, let the games begin.  Psycho-Mom is circling the building and about to swoop in and make her presence known.

The insane may have taken over, but I’m about to get the asylum back!

They think they’ve won …..that their plan will work.  Hahahahaaaa!!

 
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Posted by on October 13, 2011 in It's my life.....

 

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Shake it, Momma!


 

I’m a music nut.  Music speaks to my soul.  So, today, when I came across Country Girl Shake it for Me on YouTube….I couldn’t keep myself in my chair.  Luke Bryan wanted me to dance like a dandelion…..and I intended to do just that.

So as I get up and get my shake on….swinging my hair around in circles, shaking my booty….somewhat to the tune….. I look up and find horror in the faces of my children.

Truly.  Horror.  They are accustomed to me breaking out not only in song, but in dance.  Usually, it’s to praise and worship music.  I was serious about music speaking to my soul.  For that reason, I have to choose carefully what gets a say so.

Anyway, back to my story.

Eyes about to bulge out of their sockets.  Mouths dropped open in astonishment.  They look at each other.  Then they look back at me….still shaking it.

I realized what they were too nice to say.  Nobody needs to see that.

But somehow, the urge to drop it like it’s hot took over.  For a minute, I thought I was 21 again.  One hot chick.  No inhibitions.  Just getting my shake on.  I couldn’t let Luke down.  I was in full swing, shaking it for anyone brave enough to take a peek.  And believe, me that was not the time for bravery.  I was having a blast….but it wasn’t pretty.

Which brings me to my next thought.  Really?  Do you want to call on all the country girls out there to shake it?  Seriously, most REAL women, big and small, have enough cellulite to start a tidal wave of jiggle.  Is there nothing left to the imagination anymore?  I’m thinking a honky tonk full of girls shakin’ it could really be dangerous.  There should be some kind of disclaimer……if it actually shakes when you move, maybe you shouldn’t be shakin’ it.

And then, my thoughts about the ridiculousness of this song were gone.  Just like that.

The kids had hit replay and I was out of control again.

Doing my best to make Luke proud.

By this time, my kids had transitioned from horror to falling in the floor with laughter, hollering, “Shake it, momma!”   Shoot, they wanted to shake it too, and they aren’t even girls.  We must have listened to Country Girl Shake It for a good 15 minutes.  Shaking it the whole time.  Sure, there was a LOT of wiggling and jiggling going on.  But for a moment, we were all smiling, all happy, and all having fun.  We got our groove on like we were America’s next dancing queen…and kings.  Good, clean fun, with no worries and no stress.

Sometimes you just need to shake it.

 
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Posted by on October 10, 2011 in It's my life.....

 

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A New Outlook


Kids.  You can’t live with them.  You can’t live without them.  And you just can’t lock them in a closet.  I have 5 kids.  Five boys to be exact….and I love them with all my heart and soul.  On most days, I even like them.  Today the jury is still out.  Not that they’ve met catastrophe head on today.  It’s not been a bad day.  Just an unappreciated day.

Let’s start with the oldest, Bud.  Well, actually his name is Clayton, but I call him Bud.  Bud (20) woke up in a pitiful mood.  He didn’t have to be at work until 3:00, so he was hanging out this morning…. watching TV, listening to NFL something or other on the laptop, puffed up like the whole world was against him.  Of course, all this technology he had going isn’t very conducive to a learning environment.   So, when his brother asks him to move to a different room, of course he bites his head off.  Because you know,  the most important thing IS football.   Duh…everybody knows that.

Then there’s #2 child…..Adam (19).  I call him AdamAnt  most of the time.  He is going to college at University of Houston.  He did come in to visit this past weekend.  And I did get some good quality time with him the day I picked him up and brought him home.  Of course, that’s because it was only me and his baby brother.  Made it easier to focus.  Nobody else to draw his attention away.   The rest of the weekend he was consumed with visiting other family members….you know the ones that did NOT drive to Houston to pick his happy tail up and drive him home.  Oh, and since he left Sunday, I have not even gotten a text, much less a phone call.  OUCH.

School went well today.  A friend was coming over this afternoon, so they were motivated and finished by 1:00……a major highlight as far as I’m concerned.  So, I decide to run some errands while the boys are occupied playing.   Now you have to understand I live in a very small town pretty much in the middle of nowhere.  Running errands would not take long. A whopping 5 minutes after leaving the house, I get a phone call from baby boy #5, Braedon.  He sounds completely frustrated with the fact that I left the house…and him.  I explain what I’m doing and that I won’t be long (even though I explained it 5 minutes earlier BEFORE I left!).  15 minutes later, my cell rings again.  And of course, it’s Braedon again.  He just wants to know what’s taking me so long. He sounds so downtrodden, I ask him if something is bothering him.  He responds, “I miss you and I’m bored.”  Really??  He was fine before I left.  He suddenly can’t live without his mom for 30 minutes??  Combine me rushing home to keep the baby company, a throbbing headache, and the question, “What’s for supper?”  and “When are you cooking?”………My head almost starts to spin.

So, I’m pumped and loaded for bear.  Ready to pounce on the next unappreciative nagger…..when a still small voice in my head says, “Feeling unappreciated?  Taken advantage of?  Used?  Worn out?  Tired of DOING for everyone else?  No matter what you do, it’s never enough?  They always need more?    You should see things from where I sit.”  And suddenly, my whole outlook changes.  I call on God for my needs constantly.  He blesses me and I go back for more.  And how often do I think of serving Him?  How often do I show Him appreciation and love?  How He must tire of me.  And you know what, those kids, who are driving me completely batty…..I’m blessed to have them.  They are a gift that everyone is not given.  So, I get a hug from the baby, who is standing here waiting for me to ‘finish the post already’…….and get up to cook supper.  Maybe I won’t lock them in a closet after all.

 
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Posted by on September 22, 2011 in It's my life.....

 

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A Pufferfish-kind-of Day


Cameron.

Funny.  Wild.  Irresponsible.  Crazy.  Boisterous.  Loving.  Obnoxious.  Clumsy.  Bull-headed.  Fun. Calamity.  Obsessive.  Lazy.  Hyper.  Intelligent.  Goofy.  Caring.  Hilarious.  Stubborn.  Full of Life.  These are just a few words that roll off the top of my head to describe my third child, Cameron.  He is now 15 and taller than me.  Cameron has kept my life interesting to say the least.  He is around the clock entertainment.  He loves to make people laugh and he is very good at it.  He loves to have fun and spends most of his time on a mission to accomplish as much fun as he can cram into any one moment.  Of course, as a mom that can be exhausting.  All that fun somehow manages to push out any hopes for responsibility, growing up….you know all the nonfun things in life.  He HATES school.  He’s just one of those kids who doesn’t fit into a box.  As refreshing as that can be, it’s also burdensome at times.  None of the usual things are important to Cameron.  Grades……..who needs em?  Chores…….what’s the point?  Work?  Does it have anything to do with fun?  So, for the past 15 years, I have spent much time in prayer.  Prayer for this vibrant, full of life, baby of mine to realize a good balance is needed.  You know that sometimes you do things you don’t want to do just because it’s the right thing.  It’s always been like talking to a brick wall to teach him these things.  Then, tonight.  A glimmer of hope.Just about the time I give up all hope that Cameron will actually grow up and get truly serious about anything, it happened.  Just like that.  Out of the blue.

My mom was over for dinner tonight.  We were all gathered around the TV pondering what we should watch on Netflix.  Grandma suggested Dexter, some TV series I had never watched.  That’s when time stood still for just a moment.  Cameron says, “Grandma, I think that Mom might not appreciate us watching that with Stephen and Braedon here.”  There it was.  I responded, “Cameron!”  He looked at me nonchalantly and said, “Well, Mom I remember a few pretty bad things in that show and I just don’t think we want the boys watching it.”  I often think that boy lives to give me something for my prayer list.  The more he keeps me guessing, the bigger he smiles.  But, tonight, he let it slip.  Tonight, he gave me something for my praise list.   He IS learning and even buying into the important things in life.  That boy who loves to keep me on my toes and can make me laugh when I’m so mad I could eat ten penny nails……..he is growing up.  My chest swells with pride.  Alright, I am  blown up like a pufferfish.   Today was a good day.

 
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Posted by on September 20, 2011 in It's my life.....

 

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Bedtime Battles


Bedtime.  When I hear that one little word, my stomach starts to churn, I begin to sweat, and my head starts to throb.  Bedtime was once a time to look forward to….the kids would get tucked into their beds, read a quick story, a sip of water, and lights out.  Wait em out about 20 minutes and it was smooth sailing.   Well, for most of my kids.  You know I have 5.   By today’s standard that’s a whole herd. And one of those boys, Cameron, is a nocturnal creature.  Anyway, back on subject.  Now, my kids are all old enough to feel like they should get to stay up as late as anyone and quite frankly, the war is on.  Each night is a battle.  Whining, fighting, excuses……you would think I was dealing with toddlers.  They always want to pile in with each other so they can drag it out and fight sleep even longer.  Or they are scared.  They heard a noise.  Saw a shadow.  Forgot to do something.  I could go on all night.  But since I think they are FINALLY asleep, I better go to bed and get some sleep myself.   Why is it when we are little, everyone wants us to nap and sleep in…..yet we hate it.  And when we are grown, naps are hard to come by, sleeping late is a rare luxury, and it seems we never get enough??

 
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Posted by on September 19, 2011 in It's my life.....

 

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