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All I Want for Christmas….


 

The Christmas Season is here.  That brings on the perpetual wish lists.  Since I have five kids, this could bring on a tad bit of stress.  All these lists.  So many wishes, so little money.  I have tried to teach my kids to prioritize and realize I actually do NOT have a money tree in the backyard.  Be conservative.

Apparently, they’ve been listening pretty well. Yea, right.

For example, the baby boy……he has trouble thinking of something he wants.  A new football.  A new football jersey or three.  A remote control car.  A snare drum.  That will do it.  Of course, as time goes on, he thinks of other random things he wants, too.  But he doesn’t add them to the official list.  It’s on the Santa list.  Cause that won’t cost mom money.  Humph.

English: A snare drum. Español: una caja orque...

Image via Wikipedia

Then there is the next kiddo in line…. He realizes he needs to be conservative, but he has a massive list.  You know just in case Santa is actually real.  In that case, mom’s lack of a money tree shouldn’t matter and the sky is the limit.  Smart kid right there.  I’m just not sure exactly how to go about bursting that bubble of optimism. His list includes…. a REAL piano, interactive Toy Story toys (that range from $45-60 EACH).  He only wants the Lotso Bear, Rex, Bullseye (one of the most rare), and Hamm.  Then there is a list of CDs, Comic Books, and even a few movies thrown in.  As I had my head hanging between my knees trying to come out of my state of hyperventilating, he says, “Mom, I don’t want to be any trouble.  So, take the piano off my list.  I can practice at Grandma’s.  I can do without it.”  The piano was his number one request.   Most desired.  Hmmm…..either he’s brilliant and securing the score by making me think he is willing to sacrifice, or he really IS learning.  Either way.  The piano is his.  Geeeezzzz……

Next comes the real piece of work…..Cam.  He is the classic middle child.  He keeps our life interesting.  When I don’t need to pull my hair out from his antics, I am completely entertained.  But his Christmas list simply sends me into a state of panic.  I only need to win the lotto to even come close.

“I’ve been listening, Mom.  I don’t actually expect you to get me all of these things.  I just want you to have plenty of ideas and if you happen to hit really good sales, you will have plenty to choose from.  And then Santa can pick up some of what’s left.  It’s the dream list, mom.  The ultimate.  I know I’m not gonna get it all.  You always tell me you get more when you expect more.  High expectations yield high results.”

Ouch.  Gotta love it when your own words come back to bite you in the you know what.

So, his list…..it’s color coded.  Each color represents the amount of gotta have it.  For example, items in red = can’t live without; items in green = really, really want;  items in black = take it or leave it, but I really want to take it. His list is three hand-written pages.  Seriously.  For real.

Thanks, Cam.  Now, when I get only a fraction of your list, I can feel like a big fat Santa failure.  But hey, you don’t actually expect to get it all, right?????

By the time I finished recovering from the presenting of these lists, I decided the two oldest boys were grown.  They are 19 and 20.  Out of the house.  In college.  Santa was over for them.  They better choose and choose wisely.  I wanted a list, but a small one.  Of course, that went over like a lead balloon. I believe the requests were a new car, pay for my housing for spring semester, and cash, cash, and more cash.  Oh and lots of little presents.

I literally looked at them and wondered who had taken over their bodies.  Where were the children I raised??

But that’s when it happened.  I’m not sure if it was a ploy to remind me of the fact that I would want goodies for Christmas, or a sincere request, but they asked me what I wanted for Christmas.  They even asked for a list.  Woohoo!!!!!!!  Paybacks can be sweet!!!!

I couldn’t help myself.  I needed a good laugh.  So, I made the little turkeys a list.  Bahahahahaaaa…… And it looks something like this…

All I want for Christmas is………..

♥  A new Kitchen-Aid mixer.  If you really shop the sales, you can find one for a little over $200.

♥ An iPad.  Any kind acceptable.

♥ The new iPhone 4S.  They are sooooo cool!

♥ Because I don’t want to overload you TOO much, that’s all.  Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.  I can’t wait!!! 

The look on their little faces was priceless.  They quickly informed me, ,”We don’t have that kind of money.   There is NO way, we can afford any of those things….. even if we pool together.  You know this!”

I quickly explained I knew EXACTLY how they felt.

And there it was.  Lesson learned.  They began dropping things off their lists like crazy.  They narrowed their lists down to what they really want.  They are even shopping thrift stores for gifts for each other and making some homemade gifts.  They are paying attention to prices.

Score one for Mom!

Now, I just need to take up donations.  After all, Santa COULD bring me all of the things on MY list!  😉

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Posted by on November 30, 2011 in It's my life.....

 

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Psycho-Mom Strikes Again


I was out of town last week on an overnight trip.  Just a day.  Yet, when I walked in the door, the house smelled of this awful stench.  I’m talking cat pee + dirty feet + dog poopy + sour clothes + mildew stench.  As I opened the front door, I almost lost my breath.  It was sickening.  Disgusting.  Gross.  Turn your stomach.  Nasty.

Not only did I walk into a fumigated house, but I also walked into a kitchen piled high with        dirty dishes.  I’m not even sure there were any clean dishes left.  The floor was there somewhere……..under all the clutter.  Every bed sheet appeared to be strewn through the living room floor.  I think they were having a little camp-out.  Right there in the living room.

That day, I found out just how quickly I can cross over.  You know, to that other personality.  That insane, psycho mom who opens her mouth only to have a few other heads dart from her throat….all with sharp tongues of steel.  I just know if someone had taken a picture of me at that very moment, I would have steam flowing from every body cavity I have.  Maybe even fire coming from my mouth.

No explanations were necessary.  I knew  EXACTLY what had taken place here.  While the kiddies were having their play party, they neglected to take Bernie out.  On top of that, Bernie had determined to throw himself one royal puppy fit.  He had marked his territory all over my area rugs. I couldn’t see it, but it had to be there.  What else could cause such a nasty smell?

The stench was so bad, it gave me a headache.  I immediately started ripping up carpets, bleaching floors underneath.  Bleaching everything. Cleaning the carpets.  All to no avail.

This is me.  Only I’m older.  And more wrinkled.   And waaay more ticked off!

But the stench remained.  I was furious.  Humans nor animals were safe in my presence.  I was a mad hatter and ready to attack.

This went on for a couple of days.  Our schedules were so incredibly busy, I didn’t have time to just totally spring clean, so I did my best by holding my breath as much as I could.  I felt like the stench was seeping into the pores of my skin.

Finally, on day three, I could take no more.  I began, once again, tearing the house apart.  I left no floor untouched.  I completely removed the area rugs.  Still pewtred stench hovered in the house.

I refused to pet the puppy.  He was banished from the couch.  I gave the kids double chores.  Trying my best to make the little turkeys learn a lesson and never forget to watch the dog again.

I was standing in the kitchen, talking to my hubby, when I kept getting a strong whiff of odor.  I turned around.  There was nothing there but the vacuum cleaner filter.  It couldn’t be.  Could it??

I have one of those bagless vacuums.  Mine has a removable filter, as well as a built in filter.  Before leaving for Houston, I washed out both, and put them in the drainer to dry.  I have always cleaned the removable filter, but the built in, only the one time.  It had gotten so nasty, something had to be done.  So I tried washing it with soap and water.

BIG MISTAKE.

I picked up the vacuum canister and as it got closer to my nose, I almost hurled.  The culprit had been found.  I threw the canister out the back door.  Grabbed a can of Febreeze, and went to work.  Within minutes, literally, the obnoxious odor was gone.  As if it were never there.

As much as I wanted to sing and dance, jump for joy, pet my dog, and hug my kids, I couldn’t.  The guilt hung in the air like the densest of smoke.  The looks on their faces were priceless.  The only saving grace, was they still neglected their chores in my absence and  made a huge mess of the house.  I wasn’t off the hook, but neither were they.  Apologies were made.

We decided to call a truce.  Bernie was pulled back into the fold.  I’m sure I’ve utterly confused him.  He is now, as I type laying on the couch.

Psycho mom, and her extra heads, have left the building.

For now.

 

 

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Posted by on October 31, 2011 in It's my life.....

 

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Psycho Mom…Coming Soon!


It’s been a while.  It has.  Things have gone pretty smoothly for the past several weeks.

The kids have been operating at their usual level of driving me bonkers.  I’m only halfway crazy.  And I can function like that.

But this morning is different.  I think my children have been invaded by evil monsters.  There names are Why?, What for?, and Do I have to?  They can be described as whining, complaining, grumpy, out of sorts, and just plain ornery.  The fight is on.  They want to fight over anything and everything and nothing…..all at the same time.

Stop looking at me!

Stop bossing me!

Your tone is rude! (Yep, they have been listening to me and they are now using it to torture me.)

Stop shaking the table!

You can’t go in there to do your school work!

I just want to SCREAM………………Why not?  You hate each other at the moment.  Why, on God’s green earth would you want him to STAY here by YOU???????

That’s when it hits me.  Smack in the face.  Like a Mac truck.  They have ganged up on me.  The insane are trying to take over the asylum.  They are on a mission to put me in the rubber room.  Completely crazy.  And it’s working.

plotting his take-over

It makes sense really.  They think if they can conquer me, they can run the roost.  Have free reign.

But I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck yesterday.  I’m on to them.  I know what they’re up to.

Sometimes, they just need a gentle reminder of my alter ego.  Bahahahaaa…..

They have forgotten who they are dealing with.

So, let the games begin.  Psycho-Mom is circling the building and about to swoop in and make her presence known.

The insane may have taken over, but I’m about to get the asylum back!

They think they’ve won …..that their plan will work.  Hahahahaaaa!!

 
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Posted by on October 13, 2011 in It's my life.....

 

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Shake it, Momma!


 

I’m a music nut.  Music speaks to my soul.  So, today, when I came across Country Girl Shake it for Me on YouTube….I couldn’t keep myself in my chair.  Luke Bryan wanted me to dance like a dandelion…..and I intended to do just that.

So as I get up and get my shake on….swinging my hair around in circles, shaking my booty….somewhat to the tune….. I look up and find horror in the faces of my children.

Truly.  Horror.  They are accustomed to me breaking out not only in song, but in dance.  Usually, it’s to praise and worship music.  I was serious about music speaking to my soul.  For that reason, I have to choose carefully what gets a say so.

Anyway, back to my story.

Eyes about to bulge out of their sockets.  Mouths dropped open in astonishment.  They look at each other.  Then they look back at me….still shaking it.

I realized what they were too nice to say.  Nobody needs to see that.

But somehow, the urge to drop it like it’s hot took over.  For a minute, I thought I was 21 again.  One hot chick.  No inhibitions.  Just getting my shake on.  I couldn’t let Luke down.  I was in full swing, shaking it for anyone brave enough to take a peek.  And believe, me that was not the time for bravery.  I was having a blast….but it wasn’t pretty.

Which brings me to my next thought.  Really?  Do you want to call on all the country girls out there to shake it?  Seriously, most REAL women, big and small, have enough cellulite to start a tidal wave of jiggle.  Is there nothing left to the imagination anymore?  I’m thinking a honky tonk full of girls shakin’ it could really be dangerous.  There should be some kind of disclaimer……if it actually shakes when you move, maybe you shouldn’t be shakin’ it.

And then, my thoughts about the ridiculousness of this song were gone.  Just like that.

The kids had hit replay and I was out of control again.

Doing my best to make Luke proud.

By this time, my kids had transitioned from horror to falling in the floor with laughter, hollering, “Shake it, momma!”   Shoot, they wanted to shake it too, and they aren’t even girls.  We must have listened to Country Girl Shake It for a good 15 minutes.  Shaking it the whole time.  Sure, there was a LOT of wiggling and jiggling going on.  But for a moment, we were all smiling, all happy, and all having fun.  We got our groove on like we were America’s next dancing queen…and kings.  Good, clean fun, with no worries and no stress.

Sometimes you just need to shake it.

 
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Posted by on October 10, 2011 in It's my life.....

 

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