For a little more than a week now, I have been struggling with overload. I have felt like I meet myself coming and going. It never fails, when I am in the midst of overload, when I have so many things on my plate at once, I feel like I don’t do any one thing well. Since doing things halfway is not in my nature, I stay completely frustrated at myself. Partly for not living up to my own expectations. Partly for allowing myself to become over-committed. I feel like I do everything halfway.
Yesterday, I somehow managed to get a trip to town alone. A rarity indeed. I live in the sticks, so going to town is a 25 minute ride. As I had this cherished alone time, I cranked up the tunes and sang worship songs to the King. Something I needed desperately. I needed to remind myself of what’s important. Where my focus comes from. Of course, the tears began to flow. The emotions of the overwhelming tasks ahead, exhaustion, frustration, they overtook me and I began to spill my heart to God.
I quit my job last year to be able to focus more on my family, and especially a child with some special needs. I KNEW, without a doubt, God had great things ahead for my family. None of that had changed. I still know this is true. But, I have taken on too much. It was clouding my vision of God’s goodness. The commitments made were causing me to lose focus.
I am destined to follow God. My heart longs to follow Him.
I tried to fight His calling on my life for a long time. Several years, in fact. I found every excuse NOT to do what I knew He was telling me. What He was asking was hard. It was scary. I worked so hard to get through school. I loved teaching. How could He possibly ask me to give that up? How could our family survive financially if I quit?
One of my favorite books is Anne of Green Gables. She was a very dramatic girl and would often claim to be in the ‘depths of despair’. Well, let me tell you. I wasn’t listening to God. I was doing my best to drown out His voice. I was just sure He didn’t know, didn’t realize, what He was requiring of me was too much. He wasn’t going to have it. He kept pulling at my heart. I couldn’t pray for my sick child without this nagging in my soul. The more He pulled at my heart, the more I fought.
Amidst all this fighting, I found myself, over and over again, in the depths of despair. I was literally heartsick. I was constantly pulled between a job I once loved and my child who desperately needed my full time attention. Things seemed to spiral out of control. God has a way of getting your attention. And He had mine. Broken, full of heartache, finally, I said, “OK, God. You lead, I will follow.”
I haven’t looked back. My family has been just fine. No my child is not past his health needs. They are still very real. Financially, well, we make it. We have had to make adjustments, but all in all it’s a miracle. God is faithful. He honors those who honor Him. No, my life is not easy. But I am at peace. Words cannot express the love and closeness I feel with God. I can’t help but wonder, if I had not found myself in the ‘depths of despair’, would I have ever given in? Would I have surrendered to Him? Would I feel Him so near to me now?
Even with this incredible life-changing experience I had with God, I still found myself overwhelmed and in need of His love and comfort. Once Again. God spoke to me yesterday, in that car. As if He were whispering in my ear. As I spilled my heart out to Him, He was there. Holding me. Loving me. Guiding me. Whispering, “Follow me.”
Why do we so often busy ourselves up with things to distract us from our purpose in life? I sometimes think I am my own worst enemy. It’s as if, living a life in full surrender to Him, frightens me, so I busy myself up with distractions so I have a good excuse to stay where I am. God never calls us to a life of stalemate. He always will pull you farther. I cannot even imagine the life He has ahead for me. I don’t know what He will ask of me next. What I do know, is now, I must give some things up. I must keep my eyes on Him. My purpose is to live a life for Him. As tears ran down my cheek, I once again found myself saying, “Ok, God. You lead, I will follow.” Through tears and pain, I once again, felt Him closer than ever before.
And then, as if He was in charge of the DJ himself, the song, Blessings, came on.
Thank you, Lord. Once again, you swooped in, and gave me just what I needed, just in time. I am in awe of Your love for me.
Today, I am renewed, refreshed, and in love with Him all over again.
People say God doesn’t speak. I beg to differ. He speaks. If you will only listen.