Emotions. They are not my friend. I care nothing for them. They make life messy and, well, emotional.
No thank you. I don’t care to ride a roller coaster of emotions. I am in control. In charge. A real woman!
I’m just not a girly girl. Never have been and never will be. When I was little, I would rather play with Hot Wheels and dig in the dirt than play with baby dolls and dress up Barbie. I liked frilly things, but quickly became bored with things girls were enamored with. And drama? What was the point? I just never really got it. All that fighting and pining over boys. Yes, I had crushes and boyfriends. I was ‘in love’…but you wouldn’t find me in the middle of any sissy girl drama. I was too tough for that.
Even today, I don’t dabble in emotional ‘stuff’. Ick.
Just the thought makes my skin crawl.
I assure you that when I feel the need to cry, I will be behind the privacy of my own closed doors and preferrably alone. I adore my personal space and it’s a larger area than most. Hugs…I can do without them. Well, except from my kids. Kids are ALWAYS the exception. I’m just not a touchy feely kinda gal.
That would require me to be in touch with my feminine side. Double Ick.
So today, when I left town with my youth group to go see the new movie, Courageous, I was on gaurd. I had heard that this movie was a real tearjerker. As we sat eating pizza before the movie, one of the chaperones with us told me I better make a pit stop and get a box of tissues because I was gonna need em.
She doesn’t know me well, I thought. I informed her real quick of my emotional hardness. Tears would not be flowing from my eyes tonight. It just wouldn’t happen. I hate movies that attempt to turn on my emotional water works and was an expert at avoiding tears. Nope, I wouldn’t even come close to losing it tonight. Especially in the company of 40 people. She persisted, so I finally threw a handful of napkins into my purse…and quickly changed the subject.
At the theater, I settled in……away from other adults who might make me feel awkward when they start slobbering and bawling. I got cozy; the movie began. Finally, the first sad scene comes….and I think to myself…..really? This is it? Hahahaahaa….. no way this is getting me.
But then, the second sad scene begins….and eyes start to water. Before I know it the tears are pouring, the nose is running, and I almost fall into full sniveling mode. I quietly try to find those napkins I tossed into my purse earlier, only to hear a voice call my name. It’s one of my youth kids.
“Mrs. Wright, Are you CRYING??”
Great. Now the whole theater knows.
You would think a tough cookie like me would suck it up, dry it up, and pull it back together. But not with this movie. Some of the kids felt sorry for me and ran to the bathroom and came back with half a roll of paper towel.
I’ve decided the producers of this movie are getting royalties off of Kleenex sales.
Finally, I just gave up and bawled my eyes out. I mean full blown, mascara running, out of napkins, wipe the snot on your arm to keep it from dripping on your shirt, CRYING. It was an emotional roller coaster from hell with no end in sight.
I now feel emotionally spent and am not sure I will ever be the same. I CRIED over a stinking movie. I went from a tough, in charge woman…..to a bumbling, weepy mess. I wasn’t just in touch with my emotions, my emotions owned me.
I worry if I will ever be able to go back to being that woman who remains stone cold and in control amidst the saddest, most touching of all stories. I just don’t know. It’s like something in me was turned on, cut loose. I’m emotionally drained.
I would stay up pondering and even worrying over this new, more vulnerable Robin……but in the famous words of the ultimate drama queen, Scarlett O’Hare, ” I can’t think about that right now. If I do, I’ll go crazy. I’ll think about that tomorrow.”
In fact, I have a nagging desire to turn on “The Notebook” and have another weep fest.
Now, pass me a tissue…..or the whole box.